Everything was new and exciting, he gave nothing away every expression the same I looked at him like a puzzle, as the pieces fit together the picture becomes clearer. Like any new relationship you get doe eyed the world around you might as well be a field full of roses the sent amazing everything is perfect. Unfortunately like lavender sent that covers up the smell of a stinky toilet the fragrance wears off and the true smell seeps through, and you start to realize what you have truly gotten yourself in to.
Like a superhero trying to bring forth his true identity, he slowly eases away his mask but only to ease the shock of when his true identity is revealed. A child like temper emerges, subtle but noticeable over the most insignificant problems, like a 4 year old boy who's lost his favourite toy car.
Mistaking the grey paint for a silver lining I see this as cute and passionate, oblivious to the ugliness emerging from behind the mask that he is slowly and calculatingly removing from his face.
The more timed ticked on and feelings of comfort, stability and security with each other set in, the more eager he was to rip off his mask to reveal the shear and utter ugliness he had kept hidden for so long.
Like an unsuspecting gazelle unknowingly grazing in the path of a waiting lion , he was building a prison around me trapping me, conditioning me to the reality that was soon to come.
Like an unsuspecting gazelle unknowingly grazing in the path of a waiting lion , he was building a prison around me trapping me, conditioning me to the reality that was soon to come.
I had become the fly caught in the web of an angry and volatile spider. His anger had progressed to violence, a cold, nasty and sinister monster had replaced the kind, beautiful, mysterious mask that he had once held in front of his disgusting ugliness. He had me stuck, tangled in a web of delusion.
I finally woke up I began to untangle myself from the toxic web in which I was trapped and started talking myself out of the delusions of turning the beast back in to the prince, I was like a lying teenager sneaking out of the sight of the unsuspecting parent, freedom was inches away I could taste it.
As quickly as I went to grasp the awaiting freedom, he changed. A new mask replaced the face of the ugly monster 'John' had become, one of sorrow, regret a promise to change, he looked like a puppy dog who had just pooped on your brand new expensive rug.
I pitied him, wanting desperately to believe his promises of change. I then allow the cycle to begin again.
every piece of self esteem I had left is crushed I lost who I was and became apart of him, unable to think or feel alone
As time passed shear desperation came over me, a need to find who I was and leave the dependant, needy clingy person I had become in the past. I turned to the one thing I knew was always there for me, for me this was God. Like a gardener planting a seed in a garden, I planted a seed of faith. I trusted he would get me through this, and that's exactly what he did.
Within a short period of time after many prayers and countless tears I began to realize I am worth more and deserve more than how I have aloud myself to be treated. I started to challenge the nastiness that was thrown my way. Like a drunk driver losing control of the wheel, he was losing control of me. His building frustration and mounting tension filled the atmosphere, unable to fathom what was happening unable to put a stop to the events unfolding in front of his very eyes.
Although my self worth and inner strength was increasing I still found my self in a place of doubt and turmoil, thinking to myself what if this is the best I'm ever going to get? What if I'm throwing something good away? As sadistic as it sounds I was conflicted and struggling to work out the real meaning of love anyway. I thought about staying with him.
I picked up my bible I was looking for something, the answer to my problem or an easy way out. I heard a voice as clear as a bright light shining in the dark except no one was there, the voice said turn the page so I did. It was Psalm 139 it changed the way I looked at everything, it made me understand what it means to have someone truly love me, it brought me to a point of no return.
We parted ways, I started to feel the sharp pain of an attachment being severed with a sharp object, but before I had time to think about it I was flooded with a peace, like an angel from heaven had flown down and wrapped its wings around me, leaving me unable to waste anymore tears on something so unimportant.
Like a Sheppard to a lost sheep, the Lord saved me and brought me out of yet another bad situation, he can save you to if you are willing to let him.
